i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
