My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
