I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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