The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
