you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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