I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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