They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
