Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
