My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize