I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
