the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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