I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
