One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
