Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just want to make out with him forever
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
