Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
