My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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