By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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