To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
