soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just crazy horny about you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
