My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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