dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
