Whod you bang
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I party with great urgency now.
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