We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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