i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize