Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
