Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize