This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
