just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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