i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The air taste purple.
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