omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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