omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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