I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
