oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
