Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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