I could make wine with my vomit
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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