I just saw a hot homeless man
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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