I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dicks are not precious.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
