i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
