And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
