I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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