i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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