therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
