What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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