I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
