If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
