he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
