i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
