it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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