How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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