She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
