you would pick up someone in the library
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
