it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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