so explain again why im purple
no
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize