Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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