I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
