She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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