i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
