mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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