He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
it's great music for shaving your balls
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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