Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
