her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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