grandma shit on top of the toilet
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
