it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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