i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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