I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
